the following is an account of perhaps the most criminalistic
thing i have ever done, but i’m not saying that i regret it or that i am not proud of it, because i don’t regret
it and i am proud of it! and don’t accuse me of being a criminal, a tight-ass, a povo, or a downright asshole (even
though I am those things) because the so called “victim” deserved everything she got. by now, you’re probably
thinking “what the fuck is this crazy boy on about?” so here it is…
t’was toward the end of
the year nine, and a big party had been planned, but for three boys this was going to be a more than just a party, it was
going to be a pretty good party. one problem burned them however: they had no booze and no money. none of them could come
up with a scheme, except for adam, who suggested they ransack his lover’s mother’s house to see what they could
find. at hearing this, the two other boys – james and emilio – were quite confused, for adam had not told them
about his so called “lover.” after seeing the confused look upon his friends’ faces, he explained that he
meant to say “mother” instead of “lover.” oh, but of course, it was his grandma’s house the
boys were going to break into and steal booze…gee whiz, the plan was so obvious, why didn’t the others think of
you see, adam (the incestuous little boy) had gotten hold of his grandma’s house keys, and he informed us that
his alcoholic grandma lived in queensland most of the year, but also conveniently owned a house in Melbourne, merely a couple
of streets away from james. with keys in hand and an empty backpack handy, emilo, james and adam set off for a bit of criminal
fun. what they were doing may have been wrong, but adam’s grandma was a cruel old woman who enjoyed watching “passions,”
so she deserved it.
on arriving at creepy old house, adam, being the incestuous fool he is, realised that he had brought
along the wrong keys. first he has an incestuous relationship with his mother, now this…disappointing stuff adam. anyway,
the trio of young lads were not about to give up so easily, so they crept around to the back of the house and tried to break
into the laundry. the door would not budge, budge not would the door. however, upon turning the door handle the other way,
it swung open and joy swept over their faces.
but it wasn’t going to be so easy for these three little criminals,
for they were faced with yet another locked door, this time it was the laundry door leading into the main house. the lock
was similar to that of a toilet door, with a turny thingy with “engaged” and “vacant” written on it
in red and green respectively. apparently the house was engaged. half an hour was spent trying to turn the engaged thingy
to vacant, then james and emilio decided to just bust the door in. they hip-and-shouldereded the door and it sprung open.
adam was wandering around the back garden, pondering his plunder and wondering whether it was right to steal from his lover’s
mother, when he heard the screams of joy and remembered that the alarm code had to be pinned in within ten seconds of the
door opening. the alarm had been ringing loudly for about three seconds by the time he had deactivated it. they all walked
in, shut the door and went for the old hag’s stash. after collecting a bottle of bundaberg rum, whiskey and vodka the
trio left happily.
that night james and adam got a little too drunk, and were kicked out within twenty-five minutes of
having arrived. luckily, james’ parents were in south america or some shit so he never got in trouble, however, all
was not so well for adam. his parents found out about him breaking into his grandma’s house and stealing her grog and
they were very disappointed, but it was nothing that a few sexual favours from adam to his mother could not fix.